i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
