I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
