i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
