you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I AM VODKA MAN
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
