I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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