Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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