drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
