Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
