My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
