Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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