the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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