The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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