Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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