I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
