i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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