Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
someone threw a dead crab at me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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