So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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