I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
