Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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