i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
