Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
