All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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