the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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