i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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