hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
