your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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