It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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