Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
