She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize