when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
