Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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