Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
