seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
