we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
