I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
