I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
