Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
