I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
