I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
