There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
