i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
