Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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