The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
