I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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