You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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