I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
