i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
