I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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