Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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