sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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