oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
