WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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